With Black Friday (Are You Fucking Kidding Me Thursday) right around the corner, I thought I would post my annual Gifts for Runners entry to help you buy the perfect Christmas gift for the runner in your life.
I like to stay away from the traditional gifts like a Garmin, shorts, shirts, gloves, etc. Instead, I think there are better gifts that will truly benefit your runner in the long run. Besides, your runner is going to buy the shirts, shorts, and watches for himself so get them something they’d never buy!
- Nipple BandAids: Wanna know what hurts? This……
Want to know how to solve this problem? This…
- Finish Line Beer: Nothing says I love you like a beer at the finish line. Hell, I’ll tell the 64 year old volunteer at the beer tent that I love her if she’s giving me beer! I once gave an 85 year old man a handjob for a beer at the finish line…..whoops, was that TMI?
- X-Ray Vision Glasses: The greatest invention wasn’t the lightbulb, or the computer, or harnessing electricity for mass consumption. The greatest invention ever was spandex tights.
You’re running along and all you can think about is the pain that radiates from your hips to your quads, through the knees, and down to the bottom of your feet. Nothing takes your mind off that pain like a beautiful person passing you wearing spandex tights.
- Runner’s World Subscription: Runner’s World is quite worthless. They push horrible diet advice and most of the training articles are antiquated and serve only their advertisers.
But every once in a while they publish and article that is truly useful. Therefore, I will recommend a subscription to RW for one reason only. This article:
- Dunce Cap: If your runner is one of those idiots who STOP at water stops during a race without getting out of the way, this is the present for her!
The real way to handle this would be to take a baseball bat to her shins and beat the shit out of her because she’s too stupid to run with others around. But that would land you in jail. If she’s one of these idiots, she needs to wear a dunce cap so everyone understands they need to stay away from the dipshit that’s about to cause a 5 runner pileup at the water stop.